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Maybe You Suck

Let Me Just Get This Out

I know this place is pretty much dead and I kind of doubt that I even have friends on this anymore, but I'm being sad and pathetic at the moment and need a quick outlet to explore this so LJ it is!

Okay, so I'm dating someone. And it happened really randomly and, for me, kind of like some kind of fantasy movie for the love-lorn queers because I had this giant crush on this girl at my school and never really thought much of it beyond having this giant crush because all I knew of this girl was that she was straight. So, months go by, I get drunk one night at trivia, apparently let her know that if she were up for it, I'd totally make out with her, which I guess got her thinking. It lead to an intense conversation (only peripherily about that) a couple days later, her confession the next day that she wanted to kiss me, a sort of date two days after that where she gave me signals I kept dropping, and then a really good makeout session the day after. So much in the span of a week!

Anyway, it was right before Thanksgiving break, so I figured over the break she'd be like, "Uh . . . I'm straight. What am I doing?" But when we got back, things only escalated and she revealed all this shit about how she told a friend she "fancied" me (she's English) all the way back in September or October and she comes over, we make out for, like, three hours, she sleeps on the couch, then a few days later we go out and go back to her place and make out for hours and then I sleep in her bed, and then she comes over to my place and graduates to my bed, and then there's lots of kissing and we escalate to sex and it's all like . . . WHOA. In the span of, like three weeks. From Thanksgiving to Winter Break.

And it's pretty clear she isn't straight. I mean, her first kiss was a girl, but still. And she's incredibly responsive to me physically, so . . . yeah. I'm trying to get over my annoying habit of expecting the worst, even though there's a lot of stuff going on in her life that makes that difficult, but I'm trusting her and I'm hoping for the best (because I'm already unwisely invested).

So, yeah. Winter break. See, the thing is that she is one of my best friends since moving to the city. We hung out all the time and adding this dating/physical stuff has only kind of heightened it. We broke for winter break on Decembe 19th, I think. She left to go home to England on the 20th. It is now January 10. She won't be back in the city until the 20th.


So, we had lots of communication when she was in England. It actually kind of even escalated as the days went by. Lots of texting, multiple Skype calls, and when she was in London and without Skype, she actually called me on my birthday, which was sweet, I thought. She also sent me a hand written letter.

But on Friday morning she left with her parents to Cuba. And that's where she'll be until the 20th. And it's Cuba so . . . It's pretty much a communication void, at least as far as it means communicating with me. And part of me is happy for her about that because she doesn't have to feel obligated to talk to me while she should be having fun in a new country that is (hopefully) way warmer than New York. But the other part is super bummed because I really enjoy talking with her more than I enjoy not talking with her.

So, we've only been incommunicado for two days and I'm like . . . Kind of lost? And that feels really sad and pathetic because, um, it's only been two days, first of all. Like, calm the fuck down and get over yourself, right? But then I'm wondering why am I like this? Is it because I'm bored here? Is it because it's super cold here so I'm really just stuck in my apartment? (I watched True Detective in two days and have read three books.) Or is it deeper than that?

In my last relationship (and I'm careful not to call this a relationship because she's not there yet and I don't want to scare her off) I never felt like this. Communication was almost an after thought, which I'm kind of ashamed of, because that was all on me. But here . . . We've only been "together" in the same city for three weeks. Like, it may actually be four, but I think it's three. And I'm not a very dependent person. I'm actually independent to a fault, which has always been a point of contention in various relationships, platonic, familiar, and otherwise. But in this scenario I'm counting down the goddamn days until she gets back or at least manages to find some kind of internet cafe to shoot off a quick email or something. Anything.

I think part of me is afraid that without communication she'll forget focus on all the scary changes to her life that being with me may bring and that she'll forget the things about me that she seems to be positively reactive to.

But I think the biggest part of me is afraid that I'm like . . . way invested in this. Like . . . invested in the way that I want to be with her more than I've ever wanted to be with anyone? That kind of way? And that seems so stupid because before Thanksgiving I had this big crush but never ever imagined anything would come out of it because in what world does the straight girl actually like the queer girl pining after her?

I don't know, man. I just feel kind of pathetic for being so down when it's only been two days, sad that there's still so many to go, and scared because I think what I feel for her goes beyond like. 


This is coming from the biggest overthinker ever, but seriously, dude, stop overthinking it. Love, especially the ridiculous early-days love that you can't help so just go with it, comes with a truck-load of hormones & brain chemicals. You're basically just going through withdrawals. So cut yourself a break and count yourself lucky you met her at all, you lucky homo.
But . . . but . . . but . . .

It's only been three days! And I haven't actually seen her since the 19th of December (though it was glorious and it almost ruined her holiday because she very nearly missed her flight) so this shouldn't be that big of a change!

I'm just unused to all these feelings. They usually float casually under the surface so having them come out all blatantly like this is unnerving.
Ha, welcome to being human. Though I do get your shock at being so thrown by her absence. I'd be WTFing over that too, because I always laugh at people in love who can't go a day without talking to each other.
She got a random burst of wifi and we were able to text! And she basically confirmed that she's also going through withdrawal, which makes me feel way less pathetic because she's definitely not someone I'd ever consider pathetic.

She's leaving Havana tomorrow and going into the country so the liklihood of hearing from her until she gets to Canada in ten days is remote, but there was a lot in the conversation that made me feel good so I should be able to last on it for a little while.
pretend to think

August 2015



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