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Aug. 15th, 2015

pretend to think

I Was Tagged For A Meme?!

So I got an alert that I was tagged, eh? And I kind of miss filling out internet memes. Reminds me of 9th and 10th grade when we always filled out those email surveys. I remember filling one out in 10th grade and making every answer about the boy I had a crush on (my first and only boyfriend) and then my (ex) best friend sent the survey to him and I was mortified!

Anyway. I'm answering your questions rachg82.

1. If you had a choice, what would you like your last words to be before you die?s

I have two scenarios. In the first more morbid way it would be "Fuck you!", assuming I've been murdered. I hope for a more pleasant way to go, however, and would rather it be "I love you" spoken to the person or persons that I love who are with me at the end.

2. Imagine space exploration suddenly becomes feasible. You have the option to travel to a distant Earth-like planet and start fresh (plus hang out with aliens), but it would instantly age you by ten years. Do you go for it?

No. I'm tempted in a lot of ways, just for the sake of exploration, and ten years of aging doesn't seem like a bad payment for that. But I think I'd elect to stay here instead because I wouldn't want to leave my friends or my mom. I need to see through what I've started here, too. It seems like a cheat to start fresh.

3. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be?

I would probably just watch Mean Girls over and over again.

4. Do you have any phobias? If so, have they changed over time?

I have a phobia of death. When I was younger I was really concerned that I would be murdered and I would sleep in particular positions to avoid fatal injuries if an intruder came in and stabbed me or I would make sure the cover was all the way over me so I'd be harder to see in the dark. I would say things like, "I'll be killed today" because I figured it was less likely to come true if I said it outloud.

Now I'm more concerned about the death of my mom.

I think I have a phobia of loss in particular. I do a lot of self sabotage where I destroy the relationships I have that I find to be particularly meaningful, but I really dread it. I don't like losing people.

5. Let's say someone gives you a time machine. You can only tell your childhood self one thing (e.g. advice, a warning, whatever you want). What is it?

Your body is fine and you aren't ugly. Straighten your shoulders and keep your chin up. These peons may not appreciate you now but one day you'll meet someone who will worship you physically and you'll wonder how you could have ever gone through life feeling so down about yourself.

6. What do you believe the meaning of life is? Or at least the meaning of your life? And no, you can't say "42.

I don't think there's a true meaning of life, know. I think it's up to us to give our lives meanings. It goes back to the second question about moving to a new planet. I want to see things out here. Leave this place better than I found it, if possible. And hopefully have a good time in the in-between.

7. What is your favorite TV show of all time?

This one is hard. Really hard. Do I pick the show I think is objectively the best (Battlestar Galactica)? The show that influenced how I wanted to live my life (Mary Tyler Moore)? The show that best played with my imagination (The X-Files)? The show that lead me to a great fandom of people (The Office)? The shows that finally made me feel included (Xena and Grey's Anatomy)?

I just don't know.

8. You have the chance to meet with Obama before he leaves office & ask him to do one social/political thing for you. What do you request?

Get rid of No Child Left Behind/Race to the Top. Speak out against Common Core. Tie ALL teaching to student loan forgiveness.

9. What's your favorite thing about yourself? Alternatively, what's your least-favorite thing?

I've been thinking about this a lot lately because I've been spun out and super depressed but one thing that has emerged from the shit show of my life the last few months is actually really positive: I'm now at the point where I'm really disinterested in placating other people by pretending to not think something/feel something/be something. I've been sad and you know what? Fuck you if that makes you uncomfortable. I love who I love, I look how I look, I do what I do, I feel what I feel. And I refuse to feel shame about it anymore, even if I am currently going through a teenage-like kind of phase of acting out and being irresponsible.

I refuse to have a least favorite thing about myself. My life up to this point has been mired in all the things I've hated. A lot of those things still exist but I'm no longer interested in talking about them because I believe most of what we all (and women in particular) dislike or hate about themselves is all in our heads.

10. Do you have an all-time favorite fanfic or fanvid you'd like to recommend to me for any fandom we have in common?

I don't think so? You know what I reread recently? City of Lights. I think it's by Bonetree. X-Files. I had been looking for it forever but didn't know the title or author and stumbled on it. And it was great because it was just solid fucking writing and really strong world building. X-Files is the fandom that introduced me to GOOD fanfiction so I may be biased, but I do think, out of all the fandoms I've been a part of, it's fanfiction fandom was incredibly impressive.

11. Over the course of your lifetime, which musical artist or band have you listened to the most?

This one is hard because it's one of three possible choices: Linda Ronstadt (my mom always had that record on when I was little. I probably knew all of her songs by heart before I knew any nursery rhimes), Madonna (my mom also listened to her all the time and I certainly took to it) or Simon & Garfunkel (I started to listen to them in high school, got really into them in college, and like to listen to them or solo Paul Simon now when I'm in need of some comfort).

Okay. I know I'm supposed to tag people but I dont really know people here anymore. Sorry! But this was a nice walk down meme-ory lane.

Jul. 6th, 2015

pretend to think

(no subject)

So yesterday was really bad. It's been four months but yesterday was really bad. I'm actually lucky that I had plans in the evening to watch the USWNT game because it's the only reason I got out of bed.

Pathetically, yesterday morning I was on FB and I saw that a friend of hers had posted pictures of what I assume was her birthday party which was on Saturday. I didn't look through them. I couldn't have even had I wanted to because I just spied one of her and, like, it broke me down.

I had already been sad on Saturday knowing it was her birthday celebration because it was an event to be surrounded by people who you love you love you and care about you. And even now, with all my anger and hurt, I still think it's so miraculous that she was born and that she became the person she is today, even if I don't recognize that person from who I knew back in the fall and winter. And even just seeing a glimpse of a picture of her happy just set me off because I want so much for her to be happy but I don't think I'm a good enough person right now to see it happening with other people, platonically or otherwise, because I so desperately wanted (want) to be a (the) person to make her smile.

So it crippled me emotionally and there was a lot of crying (re: sobbing) and staring and sleeping because I had to get up in the evening to watch the game with a friend.

And at this point I'm actually kind of worried, right? I've been worried for months but now I'm actually really worried because that was a full on break down. Four months out from a four month relationship. At what point am I supposed to get better? I feel like I'm doing all the things I should be doing. But I can't stop thinking about it and I dno't know how to redirect my mind when I have no distractions around me.

I start my summer job today, so I'll be in a classroom surrounded by 25 kids for the next 16 work days, and I'm trying to be hopeful that this will give me the structure and routine I need to start moving forward (I like having a flexible schedule but it means I have to make the routine up which means I have no real routine which leaves more time for less distraction) but what if I can't?

I honestly think she broke me.

But it's also so weird because every second of the last four months has felt wrong to me. My body, my mind, my heart, my soul . . . I feel like they're holding on so hard because they were all so convinced that she was it. Not, like, forever and ever "it" but just that they all felt and believed that she was going to be a much more substantial person in my life than what has happened (not that she's not substantial since I cry in misery over her practically every day). But every cell in my body, ever synpase in my brain believed this and I don't know how to convince them otherwise. Because I know it's not going to happen. I really, really do. But everything inside of me screams about that this isn't right, it's not the way it was supposed to happen. I don't know when they're going to understand that what they feel doesn't matter.

Jul. 4th, 2015

pretend to think

Just Jealous

I'm really jealous that my others friends can just text her without having to consider the consequences. I'm really jealous that they can be casual and friendly and that I can't. That I'm so incredibly angry at her that there's no such thing as casual. And that even in the times I have tried to be casual she's thrown it back in my face. I'm jealous that she'll contact them and it's nothing but that I can't expect that ever again. I'm so angry that she was my best friend and that I trusted her in this and now I don't have my best friend or my partner (whatever that even meant). Everyone else has still has some kind of piece of her and she has a piece of them and I'm so jealous and angry that none of that can be said of us.

Jun. 30th, 2015

pretend to think

Whoa, Back Here Again

I was kind of reminded that this existed because for some reason (I really can't remember why) I got it in my head to look over my BSG reviews (maybe because I wanted to lose myself in that show again but Netflix got rid of it and that has to be the craziest thing Netflix has ever done because how do you get rid of BSG? The show that had a special UN panel to celebrate its brilliance?).

Anyway. Hey, people. It's been, like, half a year.

A half a year of shit. Absolute shit. In reading my last entry from January, Jesus Christ have things taken a 180 turn. A 180 turn in which I cry at least once a day (and those are good days) and have been for literally months. A 180 in which I just go to sleep in the middle of the day because I can't stand being awake. A 180 in which I've just crashed. Melted. Combusted?

In my last entry I mentioned this girl, right? That died, just as I should have anticipated, but it did so in such a spectacularly brilliantly awful way that I'm actually sure it effected my brain chemistry. Because I've never ever been like this. Ever in my life. When people leave me I'm usually relieved. Or I leave them because I assume they'll leave me and I'm relieved. But the last . . . God . . . five months or so have been full of the most amazing feats of self-sabotage I've ever accomplished. And, if it was even possible, my low self esteem that I had my entire life? Got even worse after finding love!

I don't think that's how it's supposed to work.

I'm still shellshocked. It's strange. I felt so sure, so comfortable, so content, so happy, that it never occurred to me that she might not feel the same way. I did what I never do: I trusted her when she said things were good and I opened myself up. And it was easy, you guys. It was so easy for me. It felt right. It didn't feel forced or awkward or scary, even. It felt inevitable for me. Like, falling in love ended up feeling inevitable. It was kind of like, "Well, how could I not?"

Meanwhile, I was definitely in it alone. And the realization of that has been . . . Difficult to take, I guess. Because it makes me question myself completely. I've never felt happy or content or comfortable or sure. About anything in my life ever. So it seems incredibly significant to actually feel those things. And I was definitely assured by her that I wasn't alone, that she felt our connection and that she thought it was strong and rare. But she so easily fell out of her feelings for me, so easily that I don't think they were true to begin with, you know? Because had they been real I don't think they would have just fled.

But maybe they did. And that makes me sink even lower. That I'm a Monet: Good to look at from far away but a hot mess up close. She got back in late January and we had what I thought was a nearly perfect two weeks together. Intense, I'll admit, but magic. But while I was having all these revelations of happiness, she was basically having the experience of, "Maybe this is nothing about what I want."

But I also feel deeply manipulated, too, which I don't believe was deliberate but it's hard to overlook when I'm so in my head. In February after she had a freak out, I offered to step back. I offered to cool it down, if not shut it down, until she could figure things out. She begged (and that's not an exaggeration) for that to not happen. So I think, "Okay. We'll slow down but we won't stop because she's literally begging me in tears" but the pattern starts up against two days later of intensity (not even initiated by me because I thought sex and all that had been put off the table) and around and around we go. And she breaks up with me in public on a whim a few weeks later (after a mostly fine week) but sends messages that are unambiguous about her feelings and encourages me (obviously not directly) to fight her decision, which of course I do. And a weird time getting back together but there's this weird tension now and we still have pockets of good, when we're together, but miscommunication when we aren't and there's another break up and this time I pursue her completely because I honestly don't understand how everything has changed to completely in such a short period of time and she takes me back and a week later, after what I thought was a perfect weekend where everything felt RIGHT to me, she breaks it off again. On a whim. Over text.

Like she didn't gasp my name and tell me how she missed me as she left marks all over my body that Friday. As if she didn't happily sleep me with twice that Saturday. Or happily go to a museum with me and go to watch the basketball game with me (I don't think I pressured? I didn't mean to. I wanted her with me but I don't think I made it seem like it would be a problem if she didn't go) and as if she didn't engage with me in a frank talk about our sexual connection that was fun and flirty and open and honest. As if she didn't text me the next day talking about how she could still smell me on her and how it was distracting her. And as if she didn't easily succumb to my "Want me to come over?" with an affirmation.

As if I was the intense one? Maybe I was. Maybe I was. But how else do I interpret that stuff except in a positive way? And I can't help it if my eyes stare into your eyes, that are looking at me with the same intensity. And I can't help it if you can feel my feelings in my hands and on my tongue because yours have the same intensity. And I can't help that I text you to talk to you because you used to do the same to me and if that was too much, I wish I had known because I could have deescalated. I was just following our patterns.

But with that in mind, the way it ended made me feel like garbage. Trash easily thrown out. And I was so confused because I thought my body was telling me something when it communicated so intimately with hers and her words- the words I'm not even sure she remembers saying- those were unambiguous, too. So I questioned, because I honestly didn't understand, and eventually she managed to beat it into me (because I'm self destructive and made her say it a lot): She just lost her feelings for me. They faded. They went away.

In the end, I wasn't even equal to some dude she dated years ago she doesn't even think about anymore. And I'm that chump who equates sex with love. That naive asshole who thinks something is happening when it's not. Definitely not. I thought the way she talked to me was special. But it wasn't. It was . . . regular? I thought the way she reacted to me physically was special. But it wasn't.

And I have no other experience with love. I just know I was floored by everything about her and I guess because she reacted in a positive manner with me, I just misinterpreted everything. So while I was misinterpreting everything, basically making up this fantasy world where we could be together and be happy, she was losing all her feelings towards me.

I know I didn't help. I probably got smothering because she would occasionally do or say something that would worry me about her and I just wanted to make her feel better and she didn't like that. I should have been better at respecting that but I'm a fixator: I fixate on things I want to make better. I didn't want to change her or anything. I just wanted her to feel better. But she didn't want me or my help. I'm sure I was too much.

But that plays some crazy games on your mind, you know? The only person I've ever, in my entire life, felt such a strong connection to, just dumped me. And she's fine, you know? She's been fine for months. I'm the one who can't move on. I go to sleep crying. I wake up super early in the morning with just a thought of her and it sets me off. I go to therapy and week after week it comes down to the same things. And I'm so jealous because I know she isn't crying about me. I doubt she even thinks about me. I want her out of my mind and out of my heart and I keep waiting. I keep trying to sleep because I rarely ever dream about her. And I make myself go and explore the city in an almost defiant way, the things I would have wanted to do together, to show myself that I don't need her.

And the truth is that I dno't need her. When I'm out I'm distracted and I have a good time. It's when I'm alone and in my thoughts that I'm practically comatose.

It's this weird thing. I know she's fucked up. I know it. My therapist keeps reminding me (based off the details I've given her) that she's unstable, that she changes her emotions on a dime and doesn't think there's much wrong with that, and that I need to focus on that instead of focusing on all the stuff about her that made my feelings inevitable. And I try, sometimes. But I don't like to be mean to her or about her, even in my head. It's really not okay that she knew this about herself and still let herself say all those wonderful things to me and do all those wonderful things with me knowing the liklihood that she would be over it in, literally, a week. It's selfish to the extreme. It's discounting me and my feelings and, fuck my humanity. Like, for real. And to just be like, "That's just who I am" as though it's something that can't be changed as if there's no room for self improvement. If "that's just how we are" were so inevitable, why bother to try to change anything at all about anyone or anything? Since she knew that quality in herself, had she actually cared about me at all, she would have dialled it all back to spare me some pain when it ended.

But . . . I've always had self esteem problems. And I've always had self destructive tendencies, particuarly as they relate to people I care about. So I went ahead and destroyed any chance there could have been for friendship. And I feel so worthless, for so many reasons, that I'm not even sure I understand what I'm even doing interacting with anyone at all.

It's a shock I let my guard down and trusted her at all. As soon as she showed an interest I should have been suspicious. As much as it hurts that she so callously ended things with me and so easily got over me, a huge part of me understands because I don't think there's much about me that's worth anything. Really, this just confirms what I've always thought. I guess the difference now is that I feel like, insteading of just thinking it or assuming it, I know it. She came to her senses, you know? And maybe I deserved the way she ended it. Maybe I didn't deserve better.

Still, even if I think I deserved it, for a few weeks there, I was legitimately happy. Over the moon happy. And it meant everything to me to know what that feels like. And to have felt it, even for such a short period of time . . . I'm just not coping well with it being gone. And realizing that it was all in my head.

I'm just trying to frame it differently now, you know? In hopes that I'll get better quicker? All I wanted was for her to be happy. Even now, though I haven't done a good job of showing it (I've probably contradicted it at times, even, in my bitterness and anger), it's still all I want for her. She didn't want me to be happy. I didn't make her happy. So I'm just trying to be glad now that she's happy, or at least happier without me. I guess I can be miserable if it means she's happier? It's not exactly what I want. I'd prefer to be happy, too, but one out of two isn't bad, maybe.

For now I'm just trying, trying, trying to fight against all my instincts that tell me to stay in bed and not see anyone. Every day I'm fighting it. It's all I want. And some days I give in and I lay in the dark and I cry and I sleep and I cry and I sleep and I hate myself so much for not being good enough in any part of my life. But the next day I try really hard to not do that again. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail. The goal is to succeed more than fail.

ETA: I also wanted to note that it didn't bother me that she wasn't at the same level of her feelings that I was. I didn't think it was strange that she wasn't in love with me. I was as surprised as anyone when my feelings developed as quickly as they did and I always understood that these things develop at different times under different circumstances. I thought I could feel the strength of her feelings in her words and in her touch, and that good enough for me, by far. So when she also started to say that she ended it because my feelings were stronger, I thought that was confusing, too. How often do two people fall in love at the same time? Is it supposed to be simultaneous? And if she thought it was quick on my end why would she be concerned that it hadn't happened for her yet? Again, it was quick. Why be worried that you aren't in love after a couple of months? I wasn't. All I wanted was clarity on boundaries. That was pretty much my biggest concern. Boundaries and her happiness.

Jan. 11th, 2015

Maybe You Suck

Let Me Just Get This Out

I know this place is pretty much dead and I kind of doubt that I even have friends on this anymore, but I'm being sad and pathetic at the moment and need a quick outlet to explore this so LJ it is!

Okay, so I'm dating someone. And it happened really randomly and, for me, kind of like some kind of fantasy movie for the love-lorn queers because I had this giant crush on this girl at my school and never really thought much of it beyond having this giant crush because all I knew of this girl was that she was straight. So, months go by, I get drunk one night at trivia, apparently let her know that if she were up for it, I'd totally make out with her, which I guess got her thinking. It lead to an intense conversation (only peripherily about that) a couple days later, her confession the next day that she wanted to kiss me, a sort of date two days after that where she gave me signals I kept dropping, and then a really good makeout session the day after. So much in the span of a week!

Anyway, it was right before Thanksgiving break, so I figured over the break she'd be like, "Uh . . . I'm straight. What am I doing?" But when we got back, things only escalated and she revealed all this shit about how she told a friend she "fancied" me (she's English) all the way back in September or October and she comes over, we make out for, like, three hours, she sleeps on the couch, then a few days later we go out and go back to her place and make out for hours and then I sleep in her bed, and then she comes over to my place and graduates to my bed, and then there's lots of kissing and we escalate to sex and it's all like . . . WHOA. In the span of, like three weeks. From Thanksgiving to Winter Break.

And it's pretty clear she isn't straight. I mean, her first kiss was a girl, but still. And she's incredibly responsive to me physically, so . . . yeah. I'm trying to get over my annoying habit of expecting the worst, even though there's a lot of stuff going on in her life that makes that difficult, but I'm trusting her and I'm hoping for the best (because I'm already unwisely invested).

So, yeah. Winter break. See, the thing is that she is one of my best friends since moving to the city. We hung out all the time and adding this dating/physical stuff has only kind of heightened it. We broke for winter break on Decembe 19th, I think. She left to go home to England on the 20th. It is now January 10. She won't be back in the city until the 20th.


So, we had lots of communication when she was in England. It actually kind of even escalated as the days went by. Lots of texting, multiple Skype calls, and when she was in London and without Skype, she actually called me on my birthday, which was sweet, I thought. She also sent me a hand written letter.

But on Friday morning she left with her parents to Cuba. And that's where she'll be until the 20th. And it's Cuba so . . . It's pretty much a communication void, at least as far as it means communicating with me. And part of me is happy for her about that because she doesn't have to feel obligated to talk to me while she should be having fun in a new country that is (hopefully) way warmer than New York. But the other part is super bummed because I really enjoy talking with her more than I enjoy not talking with her.

So, we've only been incommunicado for two days and I'm like . . . Kind of lost? And that feels really sad and pathetic because, um, it's only been two days, first of all. Like, calm the fuck down and get over yourself, right? But then I'm wondering why am I like this? Is it because I'm bored here? Is it because it's super cold here so I'm really just stuck in my apartment? (I watched True Detective in two days and have read three books.) Or is it deeper than that?

In my last relationship (and I'm careful not to call this a relationship because she's not there yet and I don't want to scare her off) I never felt like this. Communication was almost an after thought, which I'm kind of ashamed of, because that was all on me. But here . . . We've only been "together" in the same city for three weeks. Like, it may actually be four, but I think it's three. And I'm not a very dependent person. I'm actually independent to a fault, which has always been a point of contention in various relationships, platonic, familiar, and otherwise. But in this scenario I'm counting down the goddamn days until she gets back or at least manages to find some kind of internet cafe to shoot off a quick email or something. Anything.

I think part of me is afraid that without communication she'll forget focus on all the scary changes to her life that being with me may bring and that she'll forget the things about me that she seems to be positively reactive to.

But I think the biggest part of me is afraid that I'm like . . . way invested in this. Like . . . invested in the way that I want to be with her more than I've ever wanted to be with anyone? That kind of way? And that seems so stupid because before Thanksgiving I had this big crush but never ever imagined anything would come out of it because in what world does the straight girl actually like the queer girl pining after her?

I don't know, man. I just feel kind of pathetic for being so down when it's only been two days, sad that there's still so many to go, and scared because I think what I feel for her goes beyond like. 

Aug. 3rd, 2014

Beer Time

Podcast- Teacher Fault

I created a podcast. It's been really hard and the audio isn't great, I have to admit, and I still don't think it's going to be published on iTunes with the correct information, but it's a learning curve and I know it'll be better for the next episode because at least I know not to use Audacity anymore.

It's called "Teacher Fault" and features me talking to teachers about teaching and education. The first episode is with my friend Eckstrom, who taught at my school with me. The goal is to diversify, diversify, diversify. I already have some interest from teachers outside of my school (yay!) and when I get to grad school (literally moving to NYC tomorrow), I hope to have a very large pool to pull from.

Please take a listen if you're at all interested in what makes teachers tick. (I tried to embed, but that won't work either. I have not had very much luck in launching this thing.)


Jul. 30th, 2014

Beer Time


I'm posting this to all my social media accounts.

I was watching The Today Show this morning and they had a segment about anti-feminists and it made me so mad that I wanted to throw up or scream or hit my head against a solid object. I appreciated that the commentators both claimed they were feminists, but I was shocked that the focus was on feminism’s need to clarify it’s basic definition and not on the ridiculousness of the anti-feminists assertions presented.

There are women who don’t need feminism because they want to be “treated like a lady”. Ignoring that I’m not even sure what that means, because it must mean different things to different women, the crux of it, I have to assume, comes down to the idea that they want to be treated with politeness and decency, which shouldn’t be reserved solely for “ladies”.

Personally, I need feminism because I was walking my dog the other day and some guy catcalled from his work transportation, which made me uncomfortable. I need feminism because when I went to a football game back in college, a guy  behind me grabbed my ass with both of his hands and squeezed after we scored a touchdown. I need feminism because I preemptively bought pepper spray for my move next week and because I’m already kind of afraid of my Thursday night commute on the subway. I need feminism because I had a male student who kept getting too touchy before I told him to back the hell off. I need feminism because I had a female student get touched by a male teacher and, while she ended up moving schools, he kept his job and is probably looking at a promotion.

More broadly than that, America needs feminism because women still don’t make the same amount of money as men. White women are making gain, but I need feminism because women of color aren’t, and that’s problematic on several levels. America needs feminism because women of color are often alienated from the movement. America needs feminism because there are creepy paternalistic songs on the radio of men giving women permission to think they’re beautiful. Thanks Pharrell, John Legend, and One Direction, but if you’re giving me permission, it doesn’t count. America needs feminism because Robin Thicke’s Blurred Lines was the song of the summer last year and I still hear it on the radio. America needs feminism because Robin Thicke’s newest album is a creepy attempt to get his wife back, attempting to gather public sympathy to- what? Guilt her into going back? And the media treats it like it’s a romantic gesture. America needs feminism because Gwen Stefani used Asian women as props and Miley Cyrus uses black women as props, and women of color are often used as props, and that’s ridiculous. America needs feminism because Thor is going to be a women and that’s somehow a problem. America needs feminism because Hollywood still acts surprised when female-fronted movies make money. America needs feminism because most movies still don’t pass the Bechdel test. America needs feminism because the men of the Avengers are asked about the complexity of their characters and Scarlett Johansson is asked about her work out regimen.

America needs feminism because abortion is still an issue, even though it was decided 40 years ago. America needs feminism because in the game of corporations versus women, corporations win. America needs feminism because when it comes to women’s issues, particularly as they relate to health and sex, men have a tendency to make a decision while silencing or shaming women. America needs feminism because how many trans-women were assaulted and killed last year? America needs feminism because lesbianism is titillating and a phase. America needs feminism because rape is a thing that exists. America needs feminism because a girl in Ohio was gang raped and the media felt sympathy for the wrecked football careers of her rapists. America needs feminism because a 15 year old girl was raped and it was put on the internet to shame and humiliate her further, because that’s what kids do now. America needs feminism because we teach girls to not get raped but we don’t teach boys not to rape.

But let’s go more even broadly than that. The world needs feminism because women and girls are often the silent victims of war, raped and killed as spoils. The world needs feminism because there are places in the world where women aren’t allowed to drive or to leave the house with a male chaperone. he world needs feminism because female genital mutilation is still a thingThe world needs feminism because there are places in the world where girls have to drop out of school when they start puberty because their schools can’t accommodate them. The world needs feminism because Malala was shot in the head for daring to get an education. The world needs feminism because hundreds of young girls were kidnapped because they dared to get an education.

What it comes down to is this: If a woman feels like her quality of life has been reached through feminism and that she no longer needs it, it is because she is either ignorant or selfish. Ignorant because she doesn’t realize there are billions around the world who are still suffering, or selfish because she doesn’t care.


Jun. 30th, 2014

Beer Time

Reading List

The app I use to keep track of the books I've read is going extinct tomorrow, so I'm putting the list in a place I'll be able to find it later.

April 2014: The Goldfinch

March 2014: Into Thin Air, Harvest

February 2014: Heart of Darkness, The Luminaries, The Little Prince, We Need New Names

January 2014: What I've Stolen/What I've Earned

December 2013: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

September 2013: Drown

July 2013: TransAtlantic

June 2013: Bring Up The Bodies, The Yellow Birds, NW, Wolf Hall, Gathering Blue

May 2013: A Raisin in the Sun, One Stick Song

April 2013: Catch-22, Wild, Billy Lynn's Long Halfime Walk

February 2013: Are You My Mother?, Fahrenheit 451

January 2013: The Giver

December 2012: The Book Thief

November 2012: Gone Girl, We Killed

October 2012: Half the Sky, Angels in America I and II, The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For

September 2012: Howl, The Toughest Indian in the World, War Dances

August 2012: Solo

July 2012: How to Be a Woman

June 2012: Light Boxes, Life of Pi, Slaughterhouse Five, The Trouble With Poetry

May 2012: Drift, A Love Story Starring My Dead Best Friend, Let the Great World Spin

April 2012: You Lost Me There, Alcestic

June 2011: The Geography of Bliss, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian, The Historian

May 2011: Reading Lolita in Tehran, Mockingjay, The Red Tent, Catching Fire, The Hunger Games, Tinkers, Palestine, Bossypants

April 2011: Cleopatra

February 2011: Safe Area Gorazde

December 2010: Bhagavad Gita

Jun. 8th, 2013

xena and gabrielle and donuts

XWP: Path of Vengeance

The long awaited return of my Xena reviews. (That was sarcastic, by the way.)

"Ares, the scorpion drowned!"Collapse )
Overall, a rather meh episode, particularly as Xena's overprotective mothering instincts annoy me. Sue me. So I'm going to give this 2.5 out of 5 airlocks.

Apr. 1st, 2013

Beer Time

Unexpected Friends

It's spring break, so I'm off for a week. Tonight, in celebration of not having to work, I went to a pub with a couple of friends. As the friend who was driving me parked at his place so I could go back to my car, the song I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons came on his playlist, so we sat in the car listening and singing. At the instrumental before the bridge, we both spontaneously and simultaneously broke it down: I took the pantomime banjo and, like the true southerner he is, my friend took on the spoon clap.

It was epic.

It was one small incident in a series of small incidents that make me so glad and relieved and grateful that I took a risk and moved twelve hours away from home for this damn teaching job. When I said, "Fuck it; Let's do this" and moved from Michigan to North Carolina, I knew pretty much no one and assumed it would be a struggle to find anyone to be friends with, mostly because of my social awkwardness. I never, ever (seriously . . . never, ever) would have guessed that I'd find what I've found.

I've managed to cultivate a small group of friends. Small, but intimate. On the real. And we hang out all the time and we're all so incredibly different but all we do is laugh. These friendships are adult and are so genuine in a way that friendships forged in childhood simply can't be. I mean, I love my friends, but there's something adolescent about a friendship formed in adolescence, you know? You knew each other as kids so you don't quite grow out of that dynamic completely. But to meet adults as adults and find genuine joy in the interactions . . . I think it's awesome.

I know that I can tell them anything and it's safe. And I know that if I need it they'll bring me soup when I'm sick (tried and tested), let me know when I'm being stupid (tried and tested), make me laugh when I'm depressed (tried and tested), and encourage my general debauchery (tried and tested).

I really do love them and I'm so grateful that I have them. I'm so appreciative that I moved here. I mean, real life job, forever kind of friends . . . Hell, a pretty cool girlfriend I wouldn't have otherwise . . . Damn, ya'll. It's not so bad down here in the South.

Particularly when a song provides the opportunity for an air-banjo.

We're planning on going hiking and paddle boarding this week. I'm going to start doing my ab exercises now so my stomach won't ache with all the laughing I'm sure to do. It's pretty awesome to have stuff to look forward to and people to look forward to doing them with.

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August 2015




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